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Dojo Life: My Worst. Belt Test. Ever.

  • Writer: Caron Harris
    Caron Harris
  • Jul 12, 2021
  • 2 min read


I always grin for the “class photo” after a belt test. I make a point of it—it’s a happy occasion, so I smile broadly every time I attend a belt promotion ceremony. So what’s up with this photo? For this shot, I had just lived through my absolute worst belt test demonstration. I tried to smile but just couldn’t—I had just barely survived my worst nightmare! I felt so ashamed and miserable that this weird look was all I could manage.


Let’s face it: belt test promotions are a challenging but necessary part of dojo life: you get to demonstrate what you’ve learned, and it’s often scary, even difficult. I mean: in front of all those people! What if I mess up? What if I forget a technique? The level of tension can be excruciating.


I was a mid-rank by this point, so I had lived through belt tests before. Nothing catastrophic had happened in earlier tests, and I had never seen anyone go down in flames, so when I stood up to demonstrate I expected nothing strange to happen.


But when my uke's first attack came on, I was shocked and terrified to discover that my mind was a complete blank. I could remember nothing at all. I couldn’t think what to do, I just did . . . something, Lord knows what, and thought to myself, “next technique, I’ll remember.” But the next technique came and went, and I was still drawing a blank. Nothing. No mind at all. I scrambled inwardly, searching everywhere inside me but the doors to thought were shut tight!


And so it went, technique after technique, terrified but still hopeful—and then . . . nothing! Not a single memory came to me, down through the Red belts, the Greens, even the Oranges. Eventually we moved on to Yellow Belt, when I was finally able to remember and feel what I was doing. Sort of.


But by that time, I was feeling so depressed, ashamed, and disappointed that I was just praying for it all to be over so I could go home and feel sorry for myself in private. I endured even getting a new rank, even getting a diploma. All I could feel was Epic Failure. Then the congratulations and the photo op.


I stumbled on over to the after-party lunch and moped around. I wouldn’t sit with everyone, but chose a table for myself, my lucky spouse, and just one other friend. I was not good company! I had just messed up big-time, so I didn’t deserve to join the happy crowd. Sigh.


Eventually my Sensei stopped by to say hello and I don’t even recall what I said to him, but I do remember his response: “So you had a bad belt test.” That stopped me in my tracks. You mean this happens to people sometimes? They just have a bad test? It’s not just me and my personal unworthiness? No more was said about it, but those seven words stunned me out of my downward spiral.


It took a few hours, but gradually the fog and misery lifted from me. It was just a bad belt test, after all. Miserable, but survivable. The following Monday I was back on the mat, a little chagrinned, but ready to train. And dojo life went on.

 
 
 

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Pekiti Tirsia Kali PTK logo

Sei Shin Dojo teaches the art of Goshin Jiu Jitsu and the Pekiti Tirsia Kali System.

Sei Shin Dojo is located in the Midtown area of NYC - 12 East 32nd St., 4th Floor, New York, NY 10016

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